1 cup light and fit vanilla yogurt (80)
1/2 cup kashi go lean cereal (70)
1/2 cup rasberries/grapes (30)
1 boca burger (90)

That's where I sit for now. It's almost 10 am. I'm filming the second half of a music video today and I'm not sure what kind of food will be on set. must. avoid. food. must keep calorie count low for today. i'd really like to drop some of the excess thats developed recently. I don't want to feel sick. I don't want to be so hungry I end up annoying people with food talk. ugh.

Much love. :)

I've come to a realization that helped me make sense of things.
It;s hard for me to do anything (make myself do anything) that will make me feel good, feel good in the long run.
its hard to make myself clean my room, read good books, journal.
these things aren't necessarily that hard but they will definitely leave me with good feelings.
it's easy to get myself to smoke pot, work a room, hook up with guys, stay out late, be more than slightly self-destructive.
its hard to make myself go to psychiatrist appointments.
its easy to let myself smoke cigarettes. its hard at the same time somehow.
yes, its hard to do these easy things because a big part of me knows that they're bad for me.
sometimes, if i cant myself DO something that will result in lasting good feelings, maybe i can at least stop myself from doing something that will feel bad. im not doing anything, but at least im not incurring more bad feelings.
is this about feelings of deserve? is this about, "i dont deserve to feel good?" Do i? I think so. I do. yeah.... i do. i have to. i keep talking about how i want to feel better, but the "sabotage" that i harp on is i think directly related to that. binge/purging, for example. i know it will result in bad feelings, all the time, the whole time. so i keep doing it. binge eating even. feels bad. going places randomly, thats a mixed bag. it feels good and it feels bad. not hanging out with the girls. bad.
this feels like a bit of an answer, a bit of understanding that makes sense to me. i had to get to a really low place today to come to this. mom and i had a rough talk tonight over dinner, where i cried a lot, but tried to make things make sense to her and she to me. she shared a lot of feelings and i did as well. she feels like im a little ungrateful and im not, i think i just have ahard time doing things that feel good.
getting a job. will feel amazing.
do it.

was it more or less difficult to do "feel good" things while my mom was away? ...i want to say easier, but i dont know.


everything is only just part of everything else. there is no one answer that will encompass everything i dont think. thats pretty frustrating.

Ah! I've just made a big girl decision!!! It's 10PM, on a thursday in july of my summer of change. I'm in orlando, fl which is where I grew up, but I've been living in Miami for the last three years. Here I am, home at last. So anyway, I've got this friend in Port Orange, Fl, which is about an hour's drive away. He has a cute little coffee shop that doesn't close until 1 or 2 AM, so I could leave now and go hang out with him tonight, probably sleep together, get high, wake up in the morning and go out to the beach with him, watch him surf, read the fountainhead, maybe learn to surf, and then head home tomorrow afternoon. I've literally already got a bag packed; I was ready for either decision. OR, I could stay home and save money on gas, the $80 bucks I owe him from Disney, aaaand whatever done tomorrow. So staying home felt like a "safer" decision... but I make these spontaneous decisions often and I enjoy them tremendously. Somehow though, I always feel a twinge of doubt about them... but most of the time - with one exception that really was heavily influenced by my treatment team - I make the spontaneous, not-so-wise but oh-so-much-fun decision. Anywho, I was minutes away from being ready to leave and I had the thought, "Going to PO will make going to New York that much harder." .......... I'd been thinking about decision making and how people come to conclusions they truly believe are correct. Suddenly, I was struck with the understanding that people make decisions based on the future consequences. They also prioritize, consciously or not, the activities in their lives. If I make going to New York a priority, than other things take a back seat. If I choose to say, "well, if I go I might be sixty bucks further from a goal amount of money to take with me to NY. Do I really mind all that much? There's a chance that I won't even go to New York and then I'll kick myself that I didn't take this trip." --and now I'm thinking, ITS JUST MONEY, MAKE IT WORK. If both are meant to be, they will be! I had decided, okay I'm not gonna go and I sent mike a text and everything. I even sent him a, "sorry it took me so long to get back to you about that, it just hit me right now and I could've left until it felt right. Didn't mean to come off as a tease," text. But now I'm thinking ITS JUST MOENY. oh my goodness, make it work. you can make both work.
ughhhhhhh. when i thought i wasn't going, i felt so happy that i had made a decision i knew i could tell my mom about without feeling a)ashamed or b)like I was hiding something or c)like she disapproved enormously. This, these last few words = maybe the most important part of this entry. .... that is worth more to me than the feelings of a boy in port orange. this is the same boy i basically chose over bryan sunday night when i didn't pick bryan up from the airport and did go out to bars downtown with mike and his friend chris. ....i am choosing my mom's and my relationship, my mom herself, my instinctual shell, and my health and well-being OVER all that of this boy.

WOOO!!!!! progresssss!!!

I keep hearing mention of this food shortage in the news and on the radio. In passing, someone told me about how there is a rice ration, meaning that if you were to go to Sam's club or something, you could only so much bulk rice. They are saying that too much corn is going toward fuel that there is now a corn shortage. This doesn't really make sense to me, the corn thing, because um... a corn shortage? As in the demand is higher that the supply? I just didn't know there was a huge demand for corn. Maybe there isn't and that's the point. In any case, in the midst of this frenzy about the "global food crisis" I happen to catch a certain dog food commercial on television. It's for some dog food that claims to have eggs and meat in the food, which I guess is appealing for a dog owner to know that their pooch is consuming real products and not some random stuff. Also, I suppose the chances of the dog liking the food are increased when it's made of real substances. However, I can't help thinking of the absolute absurdity of the situation. Food, able to be eaten by humans, is being grown and put into food for dogs, for canine animals. It is so illogical I can hardly fathom the reality of it.
So much food gets thrown away. I don't understand why this is happening. We need to learn the secrets of allocation. SO much food gets thrown away in this country!! In the UK, 4.4 million untouched apples are thrown away daily, according to Love Food Hate Waste, WRAP’s (Waste & Resources Action Programme) campaign. So there is a lot of food to be had that gets wasted. I don't understand! A young boy, like the youngest lobbyist ever apparently, recently got the congressional ball rolling on passing legislation that would allow restaurants to donate their excess food to places without being held liable. That's something I've thought out countless times and conceptualized how I would go about making that happen, but this brilliant young activist figured it out first. That's incredible. The legislation is genius. The potential liability facing a restaurant is an obvious reason not to donate. What if someone were to get sick? But this way, I think the second the food is out of their hands, it stops being their problem. At least I hope that's how it works.
So if we can get restaurants to do this domestically and within their own cities, we can figure out how to internationally reallocate unused food. See, this becomes much more of a challenge. This requires someone sorting perishables from non-perishables. Or, it requires refrigerated transport, which is totally impractical because once it arrives in it's new region, the food will most likely not be refrigerated. So non-perishables. The problem is that if items are nonperishable, a restaurant is not going to throw them away. Bakeries throw bread away because it gets stale. Places throw fruits and veggies out when they are no longer fresh. Other items though can be saved. Hmmm. So maybe providing food internationally has to be through donation and not through the reallocation of resources.